I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.