My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways