My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.