There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.