“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 馃檪
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.