One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river