Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.