I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“Boo!” — cow with a cold