the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?