“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”