That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.