My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”