Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.