Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.