I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys