Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.