If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.