My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.