Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number