Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.