I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“TGIM!” – My liver
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.