“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.