If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.