[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.