Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute