To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”