Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.