If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.