[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.