December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.