“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
your daddy is a what now?
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Cat or sheep
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs