I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie