*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me