I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”