This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.