Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick