I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“TGIM!” – My liver
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.