Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.