Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds