Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.