Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.