You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.