My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*