Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.