It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*