Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him