DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February