“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“TGIM!” – My liver
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it鈥檚 a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn鈥檛 know how to work a knob.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified