When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.