I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.